Zen Sickness
Reading Dogen recently, I came across a statement that was remarkable to me. Dogen said, “Those who practice know whether realization is attained or not, just as those who drink water know whether it is hot or cold.”[1}
This statement stood out for me because it was different from what had been implied by the Zen teaching I was familiar with, namely that realization or enlightenment had to be either transmitted or confirmed by an awakened teacher. Nevertheless, I think that Dogen’s statement is true, that self-confirmed realization does happen and that it is quite real for the person who experiences it. However, there is a big risk for such a person.
I remember a private talk I had many years ago with Reb Anderson, the head dharma teacher of the San Francisco Zen Center. I explained that for a short time, outside of zazen but facilitated by it, I experienced loss of the idea of myself and a simultaneous strong insight into the interdependence and unity of all things. I did not suppose that this was an enlightenment experience. Reb looked at me with some concern and asked, “What now?” After a moment, I replied, "I am just glad I have this [zazen] practice.” Reb smiled and seemed very relieved.
It was years after this exchange that I understood why Reb felt so relieved. I had apparently described an enlightenment experience to him. His concern was that I may have drifted into a bloated-ego state of mind in which I imagined myself to be superior, a great teacher, or destined for fame in some way. He was relieved because this bloated condition didn’t seem to be the case. I simply appreciated the zazen practice that facilitated my experience.
This brings me to the point I want to make about anyone who has a self-confirmed awakening. The risk is that the ego of the person may grab on to the experience and become bloated with the idea of superiority, greatness, and fame. I like to call this condition “Zen sickness,” although a web search will reveal another meaning for the expression. If the awakened person explains his or her experience to an aware teacher, the teacher may act as a check on possible Zen sickness. Outside of that, however, the only check on this sickness is the awakened person, and to avoid it may require a good deal of introspection and self-honesty.
Footnotes
- Moon in a Dewdrop, Writings of Zen Master Dogen, New York, 1985, p. 156